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hiphop-elements.com • View topic - draft need crit

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 Post subject: draft need crit
PostPosted: 01/02/10 08:59:54 PM 
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http://www.zshare.net/audio/70718093e038be6a/

shirt stained with nosebleed coke in his nose
dressed like no need for a hand or a loan
like he’s going places but he has no home
young troubled soul with nowhere to go
like please daddy don’t! leave mommy alone!
now both parents gone and he’s standing alone
angry and cold, so high he is low
calm as a leaf at the eye of the storm
out for relief so he can sleep without dreams
hours of therapy just equals time killed
not really helping, shrink gave him pills
so dropping the pills means shrinking his bills
now he a ghost in a suit close to the bridge
a black Louisville bat cold to his grip
rusty old spokes on rusty old wheels
moth-eaten fur hat moth-eaten skin

Suicidal leafs meeting the wheels on his chair
The usual sound of squeaks and squeals fills the air
moth-eaten fur hat moth-eaten skin
clock like first bird spots the worm he’ll eat
wind in his hair, stars in his eyes
he feels like the truth when he’s passing the lies
of all the suits and dresses from the parties tonight
miss no pushed to a yes now that’s hardly a fight
more dignity in living single under the bridge
eating dumpster meals from the restaurants kitchen
he laughs with no teeth at this slutty joke
strong arming the wheels with the rusty spokes
I must get home, getting close, but old
eyes see the shape and hear the cry of a young soul
please help me, I’m cold! and before he knows
wheels spinning heads spinning out of control

Raindrops falling on a busted head
He’s still breathing but his trust is dead
His knuckles tight but he got rusty legs
Must be dead is what the fucker said
Blood in old eyes but his visions clear
He sees through the blinds of this little kid
Young, dumb, retina numb,
coked up son of a replica gun
Shifty eyes meat the Cardboard crime scene
Mini Louis Ville falls from young grip
Young quickly thinks to get quick on his feet
Thinks he hear a distant approaching sirene
sound of Louis Ville close to concrete
echoes to the bridge when four eyes meet
future looking back pasts catching up quick
old hands faster... than young’s panic

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 Post subject: Re: draft need crit
PostPosted: 01/07/10 06:06:34 PM 
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i wanted to use this beat for a cut i had called russian roulette, mobb deep hell on earth.... but anyways you road the beat the way you ride the beat . so after reading the verse there wasn't much to be expected. overall a well rounded one , try to do something with the theme though.

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 Post subject: Re: draft need crit
PostPosted: 01/18/10 01:37:46 PM 
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Posts: 1845
I liked the story on this...a lot of good imagery. I especially liked the the refrain at the end that began with "raindrops falling on a busted head"...beat was crazy dope too, of course (what happened to Havoc?)

As for critique, I tend to think that your voice is too monotone when you spit. It worked on this pretty well actually, but it can get boring if you do it too much. Even if the beat is quiet, don't be afraid to put your emotion into it, you can always turn it down later. Otherwise, good job yo!

peace

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 Post subject: Re: draft need crit
PostPosted: 01/26/10 12:23:24 PM 
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the first verse flowed really good, second and third seemed to be a lil forced, i dug the chorus for sure though.. Overall nice drop man keep gettin it

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 Post subject: Re: draft need crit
PostPosted: 02/06/10 11:11:36 PM 
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your best track so far

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 Post subject: Re: draft need crit
PostPosted: 11/20/10 11:56:04 PM 
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Posts: 67
Calibre wrote:
your best track so far

nigga lyin!!

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